Lost.

I feel so lost right now. I'm not really sure what I'm doing or where I am going and it terrifies me... Have you ever felt this way? I guess the hardest thing for me right now is the fact that I'm trying to figure everything out and I can't. I've realized that when you decide to trust God's plan, that means that you have to give up trying to figure out the whys and what ifs in his plan. Which is NOT easy. And I think it's even harder because we as humans sin. I'll elaborate on that... I really want to follow God's plan, not mine so I constantly am asking him what he wants for me. But sometimes I feel like there is a slight possibility that I'm just making his words to say what I want them to say. And because of that, sometimes I'm left a bit confused as to why things happen the way they do. Does God bring pain in our lives to test us even if we are listening, or to put us back on track when we get off tract? Or better yet both? And because of this I am left trying to figure out if I really did go wrong or if I'm just being tested. And if I am being tested, where does all this pain go? And to be honest, I know the answer...I know that I am supposed to praise God through the storms, and I really do because I have learned that they bring me closer to him and teach me more about who I am in him but I always want to know the purpose behind the pain ya know? And I guess I just have to give that up... I really do just have to trust him because he is the only one that sees the big picture, not me.

And if I were to be honest, I don't think I want to see the picture. If I did I think I would miss out on so many things. I almost love discovering his plan for me as he chooses to reveal it. But I'm not going to lie, it is soo hard to go through pain, and just the things that life throws at us without knowing what the destination is. The only way to describe it would be to tell you it's like closing your eyes and holding onto a close friends hand as they lead you to a mysterious place. You are excited that you don't know where you are going, and that you will soon know, but at the same time you are terrified that everything is black and you don't know what is going on. Are you going to trip? Is the person leading you going to abandon you? It's this constant fear that chips and nags and pulls...even when we know the answer. No, of course he will never leave us! But the fear is there regardless.

I'm still struggling with the fear, I'll admit it. I just have to give it to him piece by piece, day by day. I know hes not lost and that's the only hope I have...