The Blamer and The Dreamer

Sometimes I wonder if I say this too often, but it has been WAY too long since I have actually written anything on here. And see here's the problem: I've been THINKING about all of the things I could write about on here since, well...the last time I posted, which was about 2-3 months ago! I tend to be the girl who loves taking small ordinary situations, stories or thoughts and analyzing them, churning them in to thick and delicious monolouges (i'm seriously thinking of ice cream or something of that nature right now due to that discription...) Needless to say, while these inner ( and sometimes outer) monolouges tend to be enlightening and inspiring, they oftentimes take FOREVER to type out.



Don't even ask me how many times I set out to write a "short" blog, only to discover that the intended paragraph somehow stretched to a whole page. Yeah, that pretty much sums up all of my blogs.


So by now you might be saying to yourself " Cut to the chase already Ashley! You've already wasted two paragraphs talking about how long it's taken you to write another blog.... So what's up with the title?" Ha! or maybe not..who knows. I don't even know who reads this anyway :)


ANYWAYS....


Over the past, oh I don't know...maybe year I've been discovering who I really am. Which on some level sounds really amature, but in all actuality I think there are certain parts of each of us that we don't discover till later, and somtimes too late. I wouldn't exactly say that I haven't known who I am persay, it's just more or less discovering how I tick. Like why I do the things I do. Why I think or react to different things like I do as well as how to fix those things about myself that I absolutely dread and hate!



It's one of those tasks that you don't come up with on your own really. I don't think anyone just wakes up one day and is like "HEY!! I know what I'm going to do today: I'm going to get to know the real me...like the good AND the bad." HA! I mean sure, most people like taking those fun quizzes like "what color do you most represent" or "if you were an animal, what would you be"...actually some of those are just rediculous, but we do them anyway. Why? Because to some level, we are at least somewhat curious as to why we are the way we are or who we are. And I think sometimes its easier to understand ourselves in comparison to something else. Also, there is this thing called boredom :) Regardless, these quizzes have no comparison to actually discovering who we are...like who we REALLY are. Most of the time we discover who we really are (the good, bad, and the ugly) through certain life curcumstances. Sometimes we learn from our past, trial and error...gradually or all at once. But I'll have to be honest with you...this process isn't always fun. Actually it can just plain bite!

Certainly there are times where I discover those things that I absolutely love and have a passion for. I love it when God reveals those things to me. But then there are those times when all I want to do is bury myself in a hole from shame or just beat myself up over past failures. And for me, I'll have to admit, I've felt like this for quite a bit. I have to force myself to find joy in the simple things, to hang on to the truth, and to keep pushing forward.

Lately I've discovered two truths about myself: a) I'm a dreamer and b) I'm a blamer
So what does this mean exactly? (And I will let you know ahead of time that this may be the shortest part of the blog because i'm sick of typing right now, but I might add onto this topic in a future blog. who knows) This means that I tend to think of things to start or start things and have difficulties finishing them. It also means that tasks in general take me forever to accomplish sometimes because I just love daydreaming. It's like my mind likes to be 20 places at once sometimes. And to be honest, while I do love my creative genius and ideas, sometimes I would just like to finish things...and in a timely manner I might add. This problem isn't a huge problem if they are small/ insignificant tasks but when it comes to self improvement tasks or higher priority tasks...it's a problem. And I might that small tasks do add up. Which reminds me...I was listening to John Tesh last week and he was talking about dental hygiene or something. And it dawned on me that if I were to do everything that I needed to, to have perfectly well groomed hair, teeth, skin, body ect. I would have absolutely NO time for anything else!...Just a thought.

Summary: Small incompleted tasks add up; I suck at prioritizing/finishing tasks and I HATE this about myself!

Next point: I'm a blamer

My point about being a dreamer has been a well known fact to me for quite some time now. However I tend to not know what to do with this knowledge. And since I hate this part of myself, I do what most people probably do. I blame it on something else( i.e. I was tired, It was raining, I didn't feel like it, I'll do it later...yada yada yada) And the problem with blaming incompleted tasks on somthing other then your lack of motivation leads to other problems. One can start to blame other problems on things other then themselves. BAD!!! It's an addicting habit fyi and it really doesn't help solve anthing either. And then once you realize that you do this (blaming anyway) you tend to "blame" yourself or beat yourself for putting yourself in certain predicaments. It's really a never ending cycle.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm the only one with this problem, but I think we all struggle with it to some degree...or we just have different issues :) Regardless, I have come to the realization that regardless of who we are and what issues we have, God will never let go of us. NEVER! No matter how childish, immature, dump, helpless, confused, twisted, or unlovable we are or can be, he still loves us and is always cheering us on. Because truthfully he's the one that makes the knowledge of inner beings known to us.

So next time you're tempted to make excuses, beat yourself up for past failures, or ask why the heck you are the way you....Just shut yourself up. Seriously. There's a God who loves you, has forgiven your past, has made you the way you are, and will hold your hand till you reach the finish line. You're not "The Blamer" or the "The Dreamer" to Him. You are simply His. A treasure to be loved.